Several months ago, as we were preparing for our move, we had to spend some time looking in places that we had not looked for a long time to make sure we had cleaned and gathered all our belongings. As part of that process, I went into a deep cleaning mode in the kitchen. Specifically, I spent a long time in the fridge to get it all cleaned out. The fridge is going to be my metaphor for my heart. As I was cleaning and pulling out all the shelves to wipe out all the grime from under them, I came to the back of a drawer where, to my utter surprise, there was a bag of vegetables that had been in there for well over a year. Out of curiosity I opened the bag and what flew out at my face and nose was the most disgusting thing I’ve experienced in a long time. First, I was hit with the smell – the most putrid, awful, soul piercing smell that I can ever remember. I was then hit, literally in the face, by a swarm of flies saturated with the rotten fruit. Then I saw it. For the first few seconds of my discovery, I was kind of overwhelmed by the other senses of smell and touch that I had not yet actually seen what the bag was showing me. I am generally not a squeamish person, and I would not consider myself to have a “weak stomach.” This was all about to change. I had just beheld with my eyes the most disgusting thing that I had probably ever seen. Inside this bag was a mix of what used to be edible vegetables. They were half liquid now, all covered with the most interesting kinds of mold I’ve ever seen. The worst part, however, was that now mixed in with the rotting food, was more maggots than I had ever seen or even knew existed on this planet. Then it happened. The bag broke and the entire contents spilled out onto the floor. Well that was it, my stomach could take no more. Thankfully I was right next to a trash can which served my stomach well. But the saga was far from over. See I now had the same problem, the rotten food and maggots were still there. But now they were spread out all over my floor and needed cleaning up.
I have been following God’s call on my life to be a pastor for 23 years now. That journey has been long and arduous. God has continued to reveal the areas that I am glaringly without him. A year ago, when it became increasingly apparent that God was going to be finally bringing my dreams of pastoral ministry to reality, I began seriously looking inward and exploring parts of myself that I had not looked at for years. I took this new responsibility very seriously and spent lots of time asking God to keep showing me all the deep parts of my heart that needed to be confessed and dealt with.
Laying out your heart before God and finally giving all that up to him was the first step. What followed were some of the hardest times of my life internally. As I lay myself on the altar of introspection and fault recognition, God’s knife of cutting it out began to go to work. Some things were just surface and took no real “pain” to fix. Unfortunately, that is not true for all of it. Just like I opened that drawer and looked in for the first time in years. God was doing the same thing in my heart. And it was painful. I was confronted with the maggots and rotten food of my own sin that had been sitting away in a deep dark corner.
I think all of us have gotten good at “confessing our sins” and easily pointing out the times this week we did not read our Bible or gossiped about someone. But what we have not done well at is opening the drawers where we shoved things away years ago. I’m not even talking about what we would consider a “pet sin” or something that we know is wrong but we keep doing and keep confessing it over and over. I’m getting deeper than that. I’m talking about things that you might not even be engaging in currently or for a very very long time. Things that maybe are so far in the past that when you have your confession time, they aren’t even in your mind because you shoved them away in a drawer.
I love the picture of the rotten fruit because it perfectly paints what happens to us. You see God is a righteous, true, and just God. He is the one and only true standard to live by, and He is the one we need to be right before. At some point that drawer is going to be opened again. One day you are going to have to open that drawer where you shoved that sin away so long ago. You are going to have to clean it up. Don’t let that rotten sin sit in the drawer for years and years while the maggots grow. You see you can decorate the outside of the fridge with art and pictures of a perfect life. You can even spend time weekly cleaning out the old food so that when others come over and open it up it looks all pretty.
What do I mean by that? Well, it’s simple. We play the part of true Christian and play the “vulnerable” card by sharing some of our shortcomings in our small groups at church or with our close friends. We feel like we are doing our good deeds by confessing the things that are sitting in our fridge for too long, but not really digging deep into the forgotten drawers. We have learned to walk the walk but I believe it’s time to take the next step.
As God has continued to work on me and reveal the deep dark drawers, I have become more and more aware just how easy it is to forget where you place those sins. For me the hardest part was realizing that taking that sin out of the dark drawer was not relinquishing my standing with Christ, but was the completion of His work for me. I have had this flawed mentality that if I take it out of the drawer then I have to be the one to “fix it.” But the reality that I kept ignoring is that Christ already fixed it over 2000 years ago when he shed his life’s blood for my sins. By my taking that sin out and cleaning out the drawers, I am completing my daily restoration by taking into full account what He did for me.
This is definitely a journey and a difficult process as you face old sins and scars, but it is not in vain. This is a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for us as He has already covered that sin and presented us as beautiful before the father. As I begin to go through the drawers and kill the maggots and clean up the residue and add in some air freshener, I am so deeply moved by the Spirit and His comfort of me. It’s a difficult and painful process to lay yourself open but there is no better opportunity for me to be filled with the Spirit than when I am depleted of my sin. Now there is more room for Jesus in my life by cleaning out the drawers.
Jesus help me to continue the process of cleaning out the deep dark drawers. Give me more understanding of where those places are and fill those voids with your gospel and grace. Thank you for your transforming power that finished the work on the cross and continues to restore this broken vessel to yourself.
Surprised By Grace 